Column

Noriko Shimizu, Graduate School of Law, Hokkaido University

"A mother of three, and a graduate student aiming for a doctorate." That's who I am right now.

Returning to graduate school was originally just an excuse to follow my husband to Hokkaido for his work assignment. My workplace was only in Tokyo, and I didn't want to separate my husband and young children, so I enrolled at Hokkaido University to take advantage of a limited-term leave of absence system that allowed me to attend graduate school.

This time, I'm a graduate student in the Faculty of Law. Previously, I completed a master's program in the Faculty of Pharmaceutical Sciences and got a job, so studying law from the basics, directly related to my work, was valuable to me. However, I ended up in the mecca of cutting-edge legal research. "Integrity of law, relational specific investment, Ex Ante and Ex Post." I couldn't understand these terms, which I could only distinguish as either Japanese or a foreign language, and my legal knowledge acquired through on-the-job training and internships was completely useless. My career and achievements were shattered in an instant. Moreover, I have no relatives or friends in Hokkaido, and I'm far away from both sets of parents who had helped me so much with raising my children.

I spent lonely, sad, and frustrated days, feeling completely unsettled. I kept asking myself why I had decided to come to graduate school. However, my inherent diligence paid off, and I took not only graduate school courses but also undergraduate classes, studying relentlessly. To try and alleviate the absolute lack of time, I got up and studied whenever I could, even in the middle of the night or early in the morning. Every day was a life lived to the fullest.

What was a relief was that my family could be together, and my children, who adore their father, seemed happy. Also, as its reputation for being suitable for raising children suggested, life in Sapporo was comfortable, and having grown up without knowing snow, I had become completely accustomed to life in a snowy region, which had been both frightening and something to long for, by my second year. The people of Sapporo whom I met were also incredibly warm and kind. Furthermore, although my studies for my main job were a series of hardships, I enjoyed learning new things, and because I was a rare entrant from a different field, I felt hopeful that my information and perspectives were novel and that I could conduct valuable interdisciplinary research. Moreover, seeing firsthand the examples of seniors who had obtained their doctorates while working and continued their research activities alongside their jobs made me seriously consider obtaining a doctorate, something I had given up on 10 years ago.

However, this joyful yet difficult time will eventually come to an end. But there is no prospect of my husband returning to Tokyo. I continued to think about and try to find a way for him to remain in Sapporo while still employed at his workplace, but just as I was beginning to realize that this was unlikely to happen, I think the final blow was the chaos caused by the COVID-19 pandemic. With elementary schools closed, daycare centers closed, and travel between prefectures discouraged, no one was coming to help me, and I realized firsthand that I had to protect my children and that their safety was my top priority.

If that's the case, prioritizing living with family and exploring new paths might be a way to keep smiling. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

It was incredibly painful to leave a job I loved and colleagues I cherished. I'm truly sorry if this gives anyone a negative impression. For me, letting go of those days I admired, worked so hard at, and found so fulfilling in an instant is something I can't accept, and it's a wound that will never heal. I cried uncontrollably, like I'd been dumped. But there were three hungry little birds (and their parent bird) in front of me. Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I began to slowly mend my wounds.

Right now I'm focused on obtaining my doctorate, but I haven't decided what I'll do after that, which is a source of anxiety. However, I've always kept in mind the words of a senior colleague: "A negative impression from quitting can be overcome with hard work afterward," and "If you stay positive and work diligently, ability and results will follow." I intend to approach each task before me with sincerity.

(Original article)
OPENeD, the National Diversity Network website
　→https://opened.network/
Published September 2, 2020: Noriko Shimizu, "Starting Over After Giving Up the Job I Loved"
　→https://opened.network/column/column-0017/