In a roundtable discussion featuring fathers in research positions at Hokkaido University—specifically focusing on male researchers raising children—four men in their 30s who are raising children while working as teachers or researchers at Hokkaido University shared their experiences balancing marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, and work, as well as how they chose their career paths.
*Due to scheduling constraints, we interviewed A, B, and C in a roundtable format, while D was interviewed individually on the same topic. This article summarizes what all four participants said, organized by theme.
Part 1: Marriage and the division of household chores with your partner
Part 2: Everyone's experiences with pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare
Third installment: How to balance work and family life...? ←This is the topic for today.
Communication with family
Even within a family, it's not possible to understand everything without words. We discussed how we communicate our needs to each other and what we share with one another.
―If your partner is from outside Hokkaido, how do you cope with anxieties and difficulties regarding childcare, given that you have fewer people to talk to? From a partner's perspective, I imagine there are times when they can't express themselves in words and just want you to "understand without being told," is that correct?
Ms. C : I think my child would say something. They would communicate it in words.
Person A : In our case, it's more of a "read between the lines" kind of thing, but after a long time, I've had to explain that I can't read between the lines, so please tell me, and I've been trying to get them to tell me. But even when they do tell me, there seems to be a level where they think, "Surely you should understand this much." I've told them that it's not always easy for us to understand, so I've been telling them to just tell me everything directly.
B : In our case, I've told them to be really frank, and we talk a lot, and I listen carefully to their anxieties. My son is a boy and he throws tantrums and yells quite loudly all day long, so I've told them that it's really hard to keep watching him all the time. I can only watch the kids from 6 pm onwards, but I try to listen to what they have to say. I tell them that it must be tough. I make sure to say that.
Mr. C : When we had our first child, I was away on a business trip for about six months until my family came to Sapporo. I'm still away on a business trip now, but my wife is raising our child near her parents' home outside of Hokkaido. She's having trouble with breastfeeding, and she's getting help at a midwifery clinic, so it'll probably take about a year. However, even though my parents' home is my home, after getting married and living away from my parents' home for a while, when I go back, it feels different from the home I've lived in before (it doesn't feel like my own home). I really want to live with my wife. My wife and I both feel that way, and we have a good understanding of how we want to raise our child, so we can communicate without stress. Also, I am a husband, after all. And it's definitely a great help when it comes to work. Having family or not makes a big difference. When I come home now, it's pitch black. For a moment, I feel like I can work as much as I want (regardless of the time) because I don't have a family, but that would lack structure, and it's just not what I want.
—How do you manage to adjust your schedules when both you and your partner are busy with work or other commitments?
Mr. DInitially, communication didn't go well. Now we make sure to tell each other that we're busy. I think if we didn't have children, it wouldn't have been such a problem, but because of childcare, it's become harder for us to make time for ourselves, so in that sense, I think the problem has surfaced.
Before, we would sometimes get irritated with each other and clash, so now we try to be considerate of each other by letting each other know as early as possible when we're busy with work.
A researcher dad's career and life plan
Since Ree-D has provided many opportunities to hear about women's careers and life plans, we also asked men about their careers and life plans.
—So, do your career plans and marriage, childbirth, and childcare not really have much in common? What are some things that are unique to men?
Ms. C : I don't feel it's as serious as it is for women. Women tend to consider the age at which they get pregnant and give birth, and they often think about pregnancy and childbirth when their careers are just starting to take off. So, if you compare men and women, their way of thinking about "time" might be different. However, as for whether men will be able to play energetically after their children are born, it's uncertain as they get older.
Person A : I did think that I'd like to have my first child by the time I was 30.
Mr. B : When it comes to having children, my wife's presence is very important. First of all, my wife really wanted to have children, and although I wanted them too, the needs of the two of us as a couple naturally come first.
Person A : Based on what I've been saying so far, it might seem like I have to say that work is my priority, but that's not the case at all. I felt that having a family was a source of strength, and I also longed for a family, so I wanted to have children from an early age.
Ms. C : I think (my career plan) can work out somehow. I'm just going to go with my instincts now. When I thought about my family and my career, I felt that I would regret it if I prioritized my career, so sacrificing my family wouldn't be beneficial for me. If I have children later in life, the time until I retire will be shorter, right? And I probably won't have enough savings by then. So now I feel like I don't need to worry about that anymore.
D : There's a lot of pressure on my position. Sometimes I get so worried about it that I can't sleep. I feel like this is a really difficult problem. It's a very important time in my career, but my children are also at a crucial stage in their lives, so I want to balance everything well, and I'm trying my best. I do feel anxious.
—Do you ever share your anxieties and worries with your partner?
Mr. DWell, I do occasionally let it slip, but only a little bit. I think my wife probably tries not to say too much, and doesn't want to put pressure on me. I think she's more understanding than she used to be.
Continued on the next page!
What are you all thinking and feeling now, after having gone through so much experience?
